San Miguel de Allende, Mexico

I learned a new term in San Miguel de Allende: “Chilango”. It describes someone SPECIFICALLY from Mexico City that has no regard for others. MANY view them with true disgust. It’s difficult to really express the distain I have for Mexico City after just a few hours there. I was actually trying to skirt around it but that didn’t work well at all. When you read this remember this I’m not ranting. I’m telling as it is.

If San Miguel de Allende is the heart of Mexico and has heart disease, then Mexico City is a dead rotting corpse. As I got closer to the city the all the road signs were covered in so much graffiti that I literally couldn’t figure out where I was or what road to take. I exited to turn around but couldn’t get back on the freeway. I ended up taking a random main street north but still couldn’t figure out where I was because the road signs overhanging were now covered in political banners of some bitch running for office. Eventually I found the “highway” skirting Mexico City. Here’s where it gets really ugly.

Have you ever seen two stubborn drivers competing for the same stupid spot? No one gives up as their cars inch closer and closer together in a game of “chicken”. Pathetic, huh? Now imagine EVERYONE doing this. Imagine occasional intersections with no traffic lights or signs. Cars cram together in every direction trying to inch past each other in what is truly a giant cluster fuck. People pay kids a couple of pesos to stop traffic to let them in. I drove in Los Angeles for seven years in some of the worst known traffic in the world. Los Angeles doesn’t hold a candle to these people. They are ASSHOLES.

Next item up for review, please. Oh yeah, I got stopped by four different sets of cops in four hours. Two sets of good cops and two sets of bad cops. They ALL stated that I wasn’t allowed to drive my vehicle on Saturdays. Three of the four sets of cops handed me an English translation of a law showing different days that vehicles with specific last digits may drive in Mexico City. ALL the translations showed that ALL vehicles were allowed to drive in Mexico City on weekends. It’s fucking SATURDAY. This minor detail didn’t faze any of them.

The first set off cops just asked for papers and dismissed me. The second set wanted a bribe. Now I’m assuming that when a cop says “pagame!” (pay me) and offers a half price on the fine payable in cash only, it’s probably a bribe. I wore him out and he went away after about 20 minutes. The third set tried to explain the laws better and I deciphered that it’s really the digit immediately BEFORE the first LETTER in your license plate number that determines your driving days in Mexico City. They kindly escorted me to the correct turn and told me that the toll road is okay to drive any day without a problem. Cool. The fourth set finally got me. I just wanted to get out of this hellhole. After about 30 minutes of pleading, bargaining, and negotiation, we settled on $1000 MXP ($100 USD) and a personal escort to the toll road. They did honor their agreement and actually stopped traffic a couple of times for me.

Here’s another assumption on my part, I’m guessing that this is the NORMAL behavior of the NORMAL citizen of Mexico City. I can easily envision these people a millennium ago, ripping out hearts and rolling lifeless corpses down temple stairs by the thousands and cheering wildly. If I could pick one city to wipe off the planet, this would easily be my first choice and without hesitation. Twenty five million assholes gone in a flash, it’s an inspiring vision. What exactly is a “chilango” then? How does one adequately expand the term “asshole” to encompass one such as this? I shall ponder this question as I fall asleep in the parking lot of the PEMEX gas station.